If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
