You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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