All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
