i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
the raccoons are back...
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