Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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