you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
