There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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