Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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