She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
