Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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