I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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