I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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