just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
