u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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