Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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