I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
