You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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