chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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