she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
