I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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