I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
