I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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