Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
you made out with another girl for some wings
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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