You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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