Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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