I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
