My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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