i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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