You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
