Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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