tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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