I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
