I checked into jail on foursquare
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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