you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
