Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
