I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
