my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
