just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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