this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I feel like death gave me a hand job
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
