i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
