I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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