Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
