chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
