just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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