some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
