Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
