I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
