The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
