My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
