I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
