R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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