Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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