I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
