His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The feeling are messing with the penis
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
