I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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