yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
