It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
