I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
