you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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