im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just threw up on my dentist
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
