I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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