watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
