I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
