I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
