I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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